In my last couple of posts, I’ve been speaking about my troubles with mental health again, I have been off work since the beginning of June and am not set to make a return until September, when the new school year/term begins. I must give credit where it’s due, to my wonderful employers and colleagues who have been so understanding. Up until now I was working 5 days a week (school hours) which, I definitely underestimated how hard that was going to be. I had a meeting with my work the other week and without me asking as I didn’t even consider it, they have offered me 3 days a week as of September. This for me is going to be a huge change and has already helped in dealing with everything that has been going on.
For many years, I’ve been putting an ungodly amount of pressure on myself. From being at school, looking after my dad, college or coordinating my social life to now being a mum, working and having a relationship, I’ve always had these pre-existing expectations of what I’m meant to be doing or saying- to be honest, it’s such a shit feeling. Those pressures inevitably lead to my anxiety and panic attacks spiralling out of control, it’s really difficult to handle. Even just typing that is hard for me, because I hate being that person that finds things too much. However, I am the person I have to accept and look after- I’ve kinda come to a realisation. Needing a break from everyday life and it’s stresses is OKAY. Having days to look after yourself is OKAY. Taking time to figure out what’s going on inside your own mind is fucking OKAY. IT IS OKAY.
It’s taken me quite a while to come to the conclusion that I do need to give myself a rest, even though I still have the feelings of guilt come and visit me now and then. Myself, and so many others are consistently comparing themselves to other people; it’s just plain fact that some individuals around us aren’t as sensitive, they do not have anxiety related problems, depression or PTSD or need to take as much time out as we do. I’m so bloody happy for those people, honestly I am, but it doesn’t stop me from longing to live their life just for a day. I’m definitely not saying that others do not have their own shit to deal with and find life hard sometimes, but it’s true that lives can be coordinated easier when crippling anxiety, depression and PTSD aren’t thrown in the mix.
I’ve had to drill it into my own brain that I should not feel an ounce of guilt for needing a break from things. I DESERVE time to reset and to be kind to myself. Being kind to myself is something that I’ve been really bad at in the past and even sometimes in the present, but lately it has been paramount. Becoming a mum is by far the best thing to have ever happened to me, but I totally forgot how important it is to care for myself, not just my baby. I’ve personally had quite a lot happen this year, and being the person I am, it’s been way too much for me to process. I struggle to come to terms with small changes, so multiple ‘bigger’ changes is sending my mind into a hot meltdown. Getting out of bed has been a challenge, trying to look after Freddie has been hard and being motivated has been even harder to achieve. So that’s why I came to the decision that I need to give myself a bloody break and let myself adjust to the craziness going on inside my head. I’ve had to make sure (for my own state of mind) that I’m kept busy, distracted and doing things that are making me happy.
Here are a few acts of self-kindness that are personally helping me, and what I’m doing with my time.
- Blog, blog and blog
- Playing, cuddling and being with my amazing Freddie
- Going for a walk everyday
- Watching my fave films/shows
- Sleeping – by that I mean napping when Freddie does & early nights
- Lots of baths!!
- Reading – lots of mindset books
- Relaxation tapes
- Getting into nails and doing gel manicures on friends/family
- Turning off my phone and blocking the world out for as long as possible
- Seeing my best friend and talking for hours
- Ryan – whether it’s not talking and just lying next to him or crying my eyes out. Just him ♥
I heard a little saying in a video I watched a while ago (I can’t exactly remember who said it, shoutout to them), but this explanation of panic attacks and anxiety is just so perfect. I had to share:
When you have anxiety and suffer from panic attacks, it’s like you’re a car with a sensitive alarm. Your alarm can be set off just by a gust of wind. However, there’s other cars around you. Their alarms are less sensitive and are only set off when their windows are smashed or heavily damaged.
You’re not being selfish by needing a break. You’re self-loving.
Take care guys,
Love Chloe x