Hello everyone! I hope you’re having a lovely Wednesday.
It’s been a little while again since I posted, but I’m back here to discuss another topic to do with mental health… Today’s post isn’t anything like what I usually post, in fact, today I’m going to be writing a lil bit about where I’m at in life right now. This post isn’t gonna have any filter- just typing as I think.
I’ve always been quite a closed person and very private when it comes to certain things and especially my mental health, for my close friends and family who know, this won’t come as something new to them, but for many this is new. I, for years have suffered with anxiety, PTSD, depression, anxiety attacks and OCD tendencies. These mental health conditions can be extremely paralysing to my life. It can unfortunately affect everything I do and everybody around me and it’s happening again now. For years I’ve struggled to cope with day to day activities that a lot of people wouldn’t even think twice about. That could be going to school, college, grabbing something from the shop or quickly getting a coffee. Answering a phone call isn’t even on the cards for me most of the time. I’m sure lots of you can relate? A few years ago, I was in an awful place and would spend everyday in bed crying, hurting myself, sleeping and avoiding contact with everyone. I lost sight of who I was and lost control and was in a very scary, dark place. Thankfully, with the right help, I overcome that bad place and become me again but would always fall back into bad places and that’s what mental health is. RELAPSE & RECOVERY.
THE GUILT AND OVERWHELM
So as of yesterday, I’ve been signed off work for a couple of weeks and the potential to be put back on my meds -because it’s been quite hard lately. Nothing major has actually happened in my life, I just think everything has all of a sudden hit me and the wave of overwhelm has struck. It’s. The. Worst. Feeling. Ever. I’ve been under a lot of pressure and stress and I think the expectations I set on myself have all come crashing down. To a lot of you, you’d know exactly what I mean about it being paralysing. You feel trapped because you need to go to work to LIVE, but when you physically can’t, it’s just horrendous. You need the money, you need the validation, you need the reason to keep going. Other feelings loom above and inside your head: like guilt (don’t get me started, I’m only on day one of time off and the guilt and worry of not being at work is torturing me), panic and the thoughts that you’re not good enough… also the feeling that you’ve let people down in some way. This one of let down is my biggest, especially in the job I do. For me, I’m notorious for thinking that I’ve let people down and the guilt consumes me. My time off to ‘relax’ and ‘get my thoughts straight’ has already been quite stressful in the way that my thoughts are out of control.
On the upside to all of this, I’ve had time to plan things that are actually going to be a start to recovery and becoming me again. My doctor has advised me to rejoin the gym even if it is just to sit in the pool, or the sauna and get back into my long walks. I think a lot of my problems lately have been, that I am so wrapped up in being Freddie’s mum, that I have forgotten to take time for myself. I am trying to cram in all the time with him from where I work all week and again, the high expectations I put on myself have crashed down on me. I feel guilty that I’m not with him all week but get overwhelmed with trying to be the best mum, do a full time job, have a house, my relationship, friendships and so much more.
SOCIAL MEDIA LIES
I just wanted to write this because social media never portrays what’s really going on. My instagram is full of my ‘happy’ face with Freddie, pictures of food, my business, pretty layouts and positive quotes. To a lot of people, my social media accounts look like I’m doing pretty well. I don’t want to say I’m not doing well (I’m deffo trying and doing my absolute best), but things have been difficult. Even if you come across the most perfect instagram account, there’s still stuff going off in the background; that’s why it’s important to be kind. Again, this isn’t a pity party over here! I’m writing to make sure other people don’t feel alone, because in situations like this, you most definitely do. Even if just one person out there is sat at home with paralysing anxiety, not able to go to work and feeling sh*t about themselves- this is here to tell them that they’re NOT on their own in that. They’re not failures. They’re not weak. They’re so strong and sometimes we just need that break. Everybody goes through rough patches in their lives and I’m absolutely LIVING for those brighter days that are coming. And they are.
THINGS TO REMEMBER
- YOU ARE LOVED AND PEOPLE WANT TO HELP.
- YOU’RE NOT A BURDEN AND NOT ALONE. USE THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU.
- AS HARD AS IT IS, DON’T BOTTLE ANYTHING UP – TALK.
- DON’T THINK OF YOUR TIME OFF WORK AS TIME OFF, THINK OF IT AS MAKING YOUR MENTAL HEALTH A PRIORITY AND TIME TO REFOCUS.
- TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED, TO GET WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AGAIN.
- IT’S NOT GOING TO GET BETTER OVER NIGHT.
- TRY AND FILL YOUR TIME WITH THINGS AS DISTRACTIONS – GO TO THE GYM, GO FOR A WALK, HAVE A LONG BATH.. SOMETHING SO YOU’RE NOT SAT WALLOWING.
And my most important one…
“IT IS OK, TO NOT BE OK.”
If anyone who is in a similar place and needs someone to talk to, my inboxes on all social medias are open! Please don’t struggle in silence. I’m here, everyone who cares for you, are here.